Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Mantra for Tantra - A letter from BCCI

Dear fans,

"We want to win this World Cup for Sachin"
"Sehwag will be the danger man for India"
"Yuvi will be the difference between the teams"
"Can captain cool bring India home?"
"Will sub-continent prove lucky for India?"
"India, clear favorites of WC11"
"Kya Yusuf World Cup me apna jalwa dikhayenge"
"Is Munaf the danger man for India?"

Sheeeeeesh. Are we done with all these? How many of us are tired hearing these time and again we switch on the bugging news channels. There is a limit to everything. India is a land full of Cricket fanatics and lunatics. So the new
"11 fools play 1100 million fools watch"
 still holds good. Does that mean anyone and everyone can write a piece about India's WC chances? 

Is winning the World Cup a joke? Never. World Cup is a serious thing. As serious as a Navjot Sidhu pun or a Ravi Shastri cliche. "Of course" as serious as a Dhoni's post match presentation speech. As serious as a serious Bhajji or a mentally tough Ravindra Jadeja. But what do they get in return? Mockery. Parody. Ridicule.

Fine. A bit serious stuff now. We all know India is well prepared for the WC. To be precise, over-prepared.  Squad is perfect. Warm-ups almost done. Qualified for the next half of the tournament. But there is only one thing which misses out - Expert Advice. What to take and what not to. In order to help our team, we had come up with a world wide idea gathering, brain storming, voting process or whatever you might call. Fans from the length and breadth of the country contributed to this process. The following suggestions were the most frequent. So lets see what will really take India to the Golden globe silverware

We all know that Nehra adds TEETH to our bowling attack. But we must not restrict him to the bowling department alone. He, of course is a canny customer. So most of the fans want Nehra be made India's captain for the rest of the tournament as he is the perfect synonym for coolness and he might justify Captain Cool perfectly. Some even feel that Nehra's bat must bear a sticker. Thats the reason for his failure.

Dhoni must be back to his normal self - long haired dhoni. Dhoni influenced youngsters across the length and breadth of India to sport hairstyle similar to his. But where is it now. Along with his charming hair, he has lost his luck too. Every Indian still remembers how Dhoni won us the T20 WC back in 2007. More than his Cricket abilities and of course the Helicopter shot, it was his eye-catching hairstyle that won the Championship. 

Every player must bear a Sachin badge everytime he gets into the field so that it gives him the mental grit and determination of the little master. Also it will give him a feeling that he is playing for the little master, not for the nation. BCCI have already started inviting tenders for this process.

One most common thing we get to hear is that Sehwag's Tee doesn't bear a number. So the recommendation we get from the fans is that Sehwag must bear a number 46 or 64 synonymous to the runs he likes to get a lot(4 and 6)
In addition to that most of the fans even recommend Sehwag for a Kallis-like hair transplantation so that he might turn consistent like the man himself. BCCI is ready to sponsor this and is coming in terms with Jawed Habib's to make this happen.

Most fans feel that each player must bear this rebus in either of his kit-bag or Jersey or his bat to demonstrate his support and respect for the little 
Some other common recommendations which BCCI received was that this logo be etched on the team dressing room, cupboards, coffee mugs, medical kits and even on the team bus. Some die-hards even wanted to change BCCI logo with this one(which wont happen). We have already started printing the first set of the logos.

Some fans have recommended to do a recital of Ravi Shastri quotes to the players before every match so that it might improve their state of mind and also it might refresh them before a tough day's play. Some quotes might include
"The ball had six written all over it"
"It's the kind of game where anything can happen"
"When he hits them, they stay hit"
"It’s anybody's game now"
"At the end of the day it doesn't matter how they come"
"Ah well, but line belongs to the umpire"
"Something's gotta give." (I seriously wonder whether he's speaking about his virginity or something!)

An uncountable number of fans even wanted to have Munaf cut his hair as much as they wanted to cut his crap. What they feel is that a nice closely shaved n trimmed munaf is more likely to get a wicket than be trashed beyond the fence. Some even wanted him to field in vital positions like Point, Short Covers or Mid-off as they feel that he would be an encouragement to the bowlers. Few even recommended that he stand in the "Slip Cordon" as his ideas may prove vital to cool-head Dhoni.

Some fans from the Mylapore and Triplicane side of Chennai, mostly Tamil Brahmins, desperately want "Kanda shasthi kavasam" to be played before every match instead of the "Dey Ghumake" anthem which is currently being played. Some even recommended that Shankar Mahadevan and Himesh Reshamiyya do the recording for the song.

Well Well. That was almost the most common things we got from our fans. Some of the other recommendations which couldn't make the list were

- Sreesanth needs to get a Malinga like hair style(Weird)
- Harbhajan must wear a pink turban(Seriously!!!)
- Change the WC mascot from Stumpy to Rajnikant(Pray that he doesn't get to hear this)
- Make BCCI own a dog, so that they may let it run across the field to distract the batsmen.
- Bring back Joginder Sharma (I am shivering)
- Ask Romesh Powar to lend his coolers to Piyush Chawla.

BCCI is really happy and overwhelmed with the responses it has received. It would strive hard to make it a reality. Nevertheless in addition to all these recommendations and suggestions we received, one most prominent suggestion which we received most and which, as BCCI, we would also like to suggest to the Indian team is - 

"Drink and read Decoction Coffee everyday"

Yours Cricketingly,
Twitter Handle - rahulceg

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Tadaku Tadaku Tadaku Ta - Part I

I would like to auspiciously begin this post citing the words of Navjot Singh Budhu verbatim -

"Traveling in a Train is similar to watching a Cricket match. You never know what's up there for you. You pay, you stay, you enjoy, you cherish and you leave. But once you have left, the memories haunt you"

Train travel becomes an integral part of an average middle class Indian. Every Indian, knowingly or unknowingly would have had the opportunity of traveling in a Train at least once in their lifetime. A train travel is tantalizing and inevitable. And every person has some cherish able moments out of his railway travel as the love for Train is never ending.

Every person has some expectations from his TRAIN travel.

For a kid, he wishes to watch more Trees and Stations than he ever did. And I will forget not to mention, how many coins he would have simply lost throwing it in any water body he encounters. How many times has he ever wished for something before he does that? The joy of doing this is endless. And I still remember this incident from my childhood past. A kid dropped his dad's wallet into a river. The explanation we got from him was that he had prayed for the whole family and had made umpteen wishes. So to square that, he dropped the wallet. Thorough show of innocence(I can read your mind. I am not the smart kid.) And how many kids you remember had Rubik's Cube in his/her hand with the notion of solving it at least this time of their travel.
Even more than that, as a kid(long back), I loved Train travel for the kind of food I get. I make it a point to halt every vendor who passes by. The ultimate aim - modified Mill's Utilitarianism theory. "Most food for most people" That's in addition to the food which I stack up from home.

For a middle aged mom, most of her expectations are directed towards taking care of her family n belongings in the Train. Contrarily a middle aged father expects to terminate his train journey with minimal loss incurred. Also he expects to grind and chew(karaichu kudikardu in Tamil) all the magazines and newspapers he had stuffed for the journey.
And as a couple, their combined expectation is to continue their household hulla-bulla in the train. The ultimate goal - Who has the last laugh? This again is never a million-dollar question. The female of-course. I hear some chauvinistic comments. Right, we will shift gears.

Shifting thoughts towards the old age goshti(in Tamil persungo. In Hindi Booda log.) They have no other choice than to munch in their part of groundnut, cashew nut or any nut if they ever get. In addition to that, the old age lady(paati in Tamil, aaaya in Tamil again. aachi for some and kezhavi for the rest.Pheww) is always stuffed with the whole set of knitting kit. The aim(before her travel ends) - a pair of sweaters for her grand children, woolen gloves for her son, and a pair of socks for herself(South Indian paatis never have to worry about this, as they never know what winter is.)

OK, coming to the most interesting part. Females in 16-24 age range. I don't need to tell this, but still, their expectation out of a train travel is to
1. Attract
2. Allure
3. Entice
4. Lure
5. Arouse
(I can see many of you nodding heads ;))
(I don't need to mention that each one is a synonym of the other)
Also I restrict myself from exploring more into their intrinsic expectations.

Now to the boring part. ME. As far as guys like me(read as youngsters) are concerned, you don't really need to explain what we expect from a train journey. And if you want me to say that, right, here it is - hot chicks (Of course unaccompanied by their boyfriends) (I can see you nodding vigorously now)
So every time before I entrain, the first thing I ever do is to check the reservation chart for obvious reasons you already know. An unusually odd searching algorithm comes into picture.

1. Check your bay. Consider yourself lucky(God-gifted) if your search returned TRUE.
2. If the above case misses out, check in the neighboring bays. You can consider yourself partially serendipitous if t. All this if I get a side berth. And for the reason, your guess perfectly hits the bulls eye.
3. If both the above conditions fail, you end up looking for at least "one" in your compartment. That really comes handy in helping you decide which side of the restroom you need to frequent.
4. If all the above fails, then you end up praying god for ending your journey soon if not sooner.
If you reached the 4th level, I consider you the most unluckiest human ever. Unluckier than Salman Khan.

In addition to the above mentioned groups, there are some uncategorizable categories of people and situations you encounter in a Train, which needs a special mention

- Gadget gurus- You find people with their iPod, iPad, iPhone , Macs and some other gadget you never heard or seen off. In Tamil you say " scene party."

- TTR(No No. Not TR) - He is the most unusual or rather usual(If you have an RAC ticket) character you encounter in a train. And why not he has to manage around n-Combinations of the above mentioned groups at a time.
One most interesting incident I could think of is when a TTR asked for my T-Shirt. Man. I cant explain further.

- The Frequenter
"Ethana maniki ney Train poi serum?" What time will the Train reach?
"Tandayarpeta thandiducha?" Has the train crossed Tondairpet?
"Wimco Nagar eppo varum?" When will Wimco Nagar come? (Not when will we reach Wimco Nagar. Well thats tamil for you)
"Coffee vandutu poiducha?" Did the Coffee guy come?
"Train timeku poguda?" Is train on time?
And of course he can even answer this - "Enda platform la train nikkum anney?"

- Swap-Cats - I bet you have encountered guys who ask for a seat change. And mind you, you get really weird reasoning for that. Most often you find people bargaining for a window seat. The reasons may fall into any of the following broad categories
 "Thambi enaku udambu serila. Frequenta Vaandi edupen" I am sick. I may puke anytime
 Dad vouching for his son " Kozhanda paavan jannal vittu kuden" Kid wants to sit near the window
 "Naa paaku potu pulichu pulichu thupuven" Anniyan style. I will frequently spit paan.
 "Orey puzhukama iruku, konja neram kaathu vangitu poidren"  Its suffocating here. Let me get some air.
And man, you can even expect to get a 100 bucks of his money, but never a window seat. A window seat is always a prized possession.

- The uncategorized - These are the kind of people you never want to meet in a train.
They might be someone who keep on staring at you for no particular reason. Irrelevant of the gender. No. I am not meaning to say Gay.
Someone who keeps on inquiring about you, and is keen on showing interest on you.
Someone who borrows things from you. Like Newspaper, headset or even your phone saying "Thambi signal serilla konjam phone use panikatuma?"
A protagonist. Man, expect your train life to be screwed if you even encounter one. He helps you getting your coffee.  Helps you in setting up the middle berth. Tries to entertain the babies.Switches off the light when you need to sleep. At times he even helps you with your bed sheet when you sleep. Sheeeesh.

- The Nightmares- These are the people who make your life miserable on train. They may include one of the following

Immortals who insist in switching off the lights at 8PM
People in your neighboring bay who wash their hands or throw crap while in the running train which eventually and unsurprisingly lands on your face.
People who snort as if they had eaten two full buffaloes.
People who mess your berth with their shitty food.

In the next part I would like to concentrate more on the type of people with whom you share your bay with. Watch out this space.

1. Blog post header inspired by Tadaku Tadaku Tadaku TaPlease visit the link and spare some time for  appreciating the man behind these divine words.

2. For those who had read my first POST(I know you haven't) and still think that I have used a lot of numbering bullets, dint I already say "Ivan ipddi dan"?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Vanakkam Machas and Machis

It took me five grueling years to create a blog for myself.
1. I am lazy. Man, you guessed that right. I big lazy bum, who spends time on unusually unimportant and unadvisedly unambitious things.
2. Education. Of-course it ruined me. Would have been much better had I not opted for that, cos it still stays ruined.
3. Everything takes its time :P. The words I commonly use to avoid using the P Word.
4. I dint think Blogging is a serious business. I thought it was for those who think they have got all the time in the world(that doesn't mean I haven't, chumma telling)
5. I like vettiness rather than thinking what I should update in my blog. Man, that seriously takes a toll.
6. I never thought I could ever blog. If not for this person(L), I wouldn't have started even now. L's blog inspired me to start one. And yeah I managed to do so (Kudos to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


7. I dint know how to create blog.
8. I thought I need to pay for a blog.
9. I am a technically retard person.
10. I am a bad writer.
11. I don't know written English
12. I don' have time for silly blogs.
13. I am afraid of the fact that no one will be benefited out of my blog (even me)
14 I AM A LIAR!!!

Well well. Now that there actually is a blog, and I am almost done with a blog-post, I would like to give some credits to things and people who helped me in this process.

1. Ms. L - the person whom I mentioned previously. 
2. Mr. R - myself.
3. Mr. D - My laptop.
4. Ms. C - the Browser
5. Mr. B - the medium which helped me link to you guys.
6. Ms. T - Please don't tell me you don't know what it is.

and Of-course
7. Mr. K- you guessed it right. DECOCTION Kaapi (I am extremely happy here. Gives me same level of happiness as it gives to a director of a movie who makes it a point to spell out the movie name in some scene at least. Simmmbly saying)

Yeah, the important part. What you might find here?
1. Mokka stories.
2. Cricket related mokkais.
3. Mokka Philosophy (Get ready with your chanting beads. Pray to god that you never ever encounter those)
4. My mokka thoughts when I have a sip of Decoction Kaapi (happy again :))
5. Some random stuffs. Dont ask me what. Haven't thought about it either.
6. Politics. 
7. (Hmm. I can read your mind. You want me to end it here right? yes here comes the last) Day-to-day life, friends, office, auto,  people, interaction, Decoction (:)) etc. etc.

and now for all of you who read at least some part of the above crappy content, I can really assure you that I will try not to use Numbering bullets in my future posts. I know its tiring.

Copying the words of Mr. Kalmadi -"I hereby declare Decoction Kaapi hot and strong!"

1. For those of you who might still wonder what the P word actually is, I will say that in my next post. See I have revealed it now :S

2. To my non tamil friends. Decoction Kaapi will help you know a bit more about Decoction Kaapi.

3. And for those of you who are still wondering about the Numbering bullets used here, I could say only one thing. "Ivan ippdi dan"

No, I wont give you any reward/recognition for getting me the number of numerical numbers enumerated(sheeesh ..)here
You can follow me on twitter - @rahulceg