Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Mantra for Tantra - A letter from BCCI

Dear fans,

"We want to win this World Cup for Sachin"
"Sehwag will be the danger man for India"
"Yuvi will be the difference between the teams"
"Can captain cool bring India home?"
"Will sub-continent prove lucky for India?"
"India, clear favorites of WC11"
"Kya Yusuf World Cup me apna jalwa dikhayenge"
"Is Munaf the danger man for India?"

Sheeeeeesh. Are we done with all these? How many of us are tired hearing these time and again we switch on the bugging news channels. There is a limit to everything. India is a land full of Cricket fanatics and lunatics. So the new
"11 fools play 1100 million fools watch"
 still holds good. Does that mean anyone and everyone can write a piece about India's WC chances? 

Is winning the World Cup a joke? Never. World Cup is a serious thing. As serious as a Navjot Sidhu pun or a Ravi Shastri cliche. "Of course" as serious as a Dhoni's post match presentation speech. As serious as a serious Bhajji or a mentally tough Ravindra Jadeja. But what do they get in return? Mockery. Parody. Ridicule.

Fine. A bit serious stuff now. We all know India is well prepared for the WC. To be precise, over-prepared.  Squad is perfect. Warm-ups almost done. Qualified for the next half of the tournament. But there is only one thing which misses out - Expert Advice. What to take and what not to. In order to help our team, we had come up with a world wide idea gathering, brain storming, voting process or whatever you might call. Fans from the length and breadth of the country contributed to this process. The following suggestions were the most frequent. So lets see what will really take India to the Golden globe silverware

We all know that Nehra adds TEETH to our bowling attack. But we must not restrict him to the bowling department alone. He, of course is a canny customer. So most of the fans want Nehra be made India's captain for the rest of the tournament as he is the perfect synonym for coolness and he might justify Captain Cool perfectly. Some even feel that Nehra's bat must bear a sticker. Thats the reason for his failure.

Dhoni must be back to his normal self - long haired dhoni. Dhoni influenced youngsters across the length and breadth of India to sport hairstyle similar to his. But where is it now. Along with his charming hair, he has lost his luck too. Every Indian still remembers how Dhoni won us the T20 WC back in 2007. More than his Cricket abilities and of course the Helicopter shot, it was his eye-catching hairstyle that won the Championship. 

Every player must bear a Sachin badge everytime he gets into the field so that it gives him the mental grit and determination of the little master. Also it will give him a feeling that he is playing for the little master, not for the nation. BCCI have already started inviting tenders for this process.

One most common thing we get to hear is that Sehwag's Tee doesn't bear a number. So the recommendation we get from the fans is that Sehwag must bear a number 46 or 64 synonymous to the runs he likes to get a lot(4 and 6)
In addition to that most of the fans even recommend Sehwag for a Kallis-like hair transplantation so that he might turn consistent like the man himself. BCCI is ready to sponsor this and is coming in terms with Jawed Habib's to make this happen.

Most fans feel that each player must bear this rebus in either of his kit-bag or Jersey or his bat to demonstrate his support and respect for the little 
Some other common recommendations which BCCI received was that this logo be etched on the team dressing room, cupboards, coffee mugs, medical kits and even on the team bus. Some die-hards even wanted to change BCCI logo with this one(which wont happen). We have already started printing the first set of the logos.

Some fans have recommended to do a recital of Ravi Shastri quotes to the players before every match so that it might improve their state of mind and also it might refresh them before a tough day's play. Some quotes might include
"The ball had six written all over it"
"It's the kind of game where anything can happen"
"When he hits them, they stay hit"
"It’s anybody's game now"
"At the end of the day it doesn't matter how they come"
"Ah well, but line belongs to the umpire"
"Something's gotta give." (I seriously wonder whether he's speaking about his virginity or something!)

An uncountable number of fans even wanted to have Munaf cut his hair as much as they wanted to cut his crap. What they feel is that a nice closely shaved n trimmed munaf is more likely to get a wicket than be trashed beyond the fence. Some even wanted him to field in vital positions like Point, Short Covers or Mid-off as they feel that he would be an encouragement to the bowlers. Few even recommended that he stand in the "Slip Cordon" as his ideas may prove vital to cool-head Dhoni.

Some fans from the Mylapore and Triplicane side of Chennai, mostly Tamil Brahmins, desperately want "Kanda shasthi kavasam" to be played before every match instead of the "Dey Ghumake" anthem which is currently being played. Some even recommended that Shankar Mahadevan and Himesh Reshamiyya do the recording for the song.

Well Well. That was almost the most common things we got from our fans. Some of the other recommendations which couldn't make the list were

- Sreesanth needs to get a Malinga like hair style(Weird)
- Harbhajan must wear a pink turban(Seriously!!!)
- Change the WC mascot from Stumpy to Rajnikant(Pray that he doesn't get to hear this)
- Make BCCI own a dog, so that they may let it run across the field to distract the batsmen.
- Bring back Joginder Sharma (I am shivering)
- Ask Romesh Powar to lend his coolers to Piyush Chawla.

BCCI is really happy and overwhelmed with the responses it has received. It would strive hard to make it a reality. Nevertheless in addition to all these recommendations and suggestions we received, one most prominent suggestion which we received most and which, as BCCI, we would also like to suggest to the Indian team is - 

"Drink and read Decoction Coffee everyday"

Yours Cricketingly,
Twitter Handle - rahulceg


  1. Hahahaha Brilliant! Cricket overkill definitely! :)

  2. Bang on, good write up. We all know we do not take anything seriously. That is why we can not win World Cup.

  3. Thanks vadakkus and Stupidthoughts :) Happy that there are few others like me who feel that we can win the Cup :)

  4. Superb post Rahul... Esp the Munaf Photo is awesome... it made my day..